glitchinthesystem | Deerington Inbox

[ That's definitely a part of the story he had not heard. It makes sense then why he'd give Maul a chance. Since, whatever Maul did back home it must've been something Varian could relate to. But, there was a key difference there that Maul probably didn't really care if he hurt people that bothered him or changing his ways.

He's not sure. But, still Glitch frowns. ]

Was be the key word. Okay, sure. You did some asshole shit and were kind of crazy and probably a bit murderous which I think we both know was pretty fucking wrong.

BUT- you kind of own up to it and aren't you know, backtracking into the awful?

So, like. Give yourself some credit.

[ He sighs, can't helping but shake his head. ]

For someone smart you sure can be dumb.

[He huffs out a soft, mildly annoyed laugh.]

Thanks. I know that, too. Still. Rude.

[He rubs the back of his neck, not really comfortable, he never is when the root cause of his self-loathing is unearthed.]

But no, I'm trying not to backtrack. Deerington influence notwithstanding anyway. I was given a second chance, back home. I'm trying not to waste it. I'm trying to put good things in the world. Make it better than what I put into it.

[Which would at least justify Glitch's feelings about Varian need to prove something all the time. He's dead on the money, there.]

Would you rather I just lie and try and be fake nice?

[ Because well. He's not really sure that's gonna help much. ]

Right but, there's a big difference here. Are you doing it because it's the best way for you to move forward or because you need someone to actually validate you're a good person?

[ Because these are two big motivational differences. ]

Please don't, that would be too weird coming from you.

[Don't be fake nice, Glitch. Even when you're genuinely nice it feels fucking weird. He doesn't need that in his life right now. ]

Well, I-

[And that gives him reason to falter. Because that's always been his primary drive, hasn't it? To be seen, to be told he was doing a good job, that his existence in the world meant something. When he was younger, he craved it like oxygen and never, ever got it. When you feel like you're an intense disappointment to your only living family member it makes you driven as hell to get some sort of recognition. Anything.

Maybe if Glitch had asked him back then he would have had a clearer answer. Things are different now. He's learned that validation gets you nowhere. That seeking it out ultimately does nothing. He's had so many people tell him he's a good person- both here and at home. But none of it makes a difference. If you don't see it in yourself, people can say it over and over again and it won't really make a difference. ]

I don't think I'd believe them any more even if they did. [It's not a nice answer, but it's an honest one. His eyes flick to the portrait of his parents on the wall, briefly, then back down to the bedsheets. ] All I cared about for almost all my life was for someone to tell me I was good enough. Eventually it kinda... went past that. So I don't know.

[He wishes he could say he's doing this for all the right reasons, that he's doing it to move forward- but that doesn't feel quite right - he raises his shoulders in a little shrug.]

I think I need to convince myself at this point.

Then it sounds like you know what you need to do. Gotta work on the old self confidence.

[ Because what was the point of constantly dragging yourself down wanting something others couldn't give you? Glitch had learned a long time ago not to care for anyone to approve of him. Why should he care if no one cared about him?

He brushes a blue strand of hair behind his ear before looking back to Varian. ]

Anyways, I'll be fine. Really. I'm use to this kinda thing happening. So, don't worry about me.

I do. Knowing it and actually carrying it out are two very different things. But I'm trying my best and I guess... I guess that's good enough for now.

[It's hard to accept that he doesn't have to push himself to breaking point- but he;s getting there. Slowly but surely.

One eyebrow raises skyward.]

Uh-huh. Glitch, you could be an expert in surviving everything ever and I'd still worry about you.

Well. Guess it's something so I'll take you at your word.

[ It's better than Varian wallowing in it. He couldn't see anything good coming from it if Varian did, especially with how the town was. The last thing he wants to see is Varian turn into a monster because he still was beating himself up.

However, he does roll his eyes. ]

You're gonna make your hair go white if you're in a constant state of worry over me, dude. But, okay, I can't stop you from feeling.

[Varia sure still has moments where he wallows. But he's finding the wallowing periods are slightly less each time. He's steadily getting better at putting himself back together again.

He scoffs softly.]

Maybe it will. It can offset the teal streak, it'll be fine. And correct! You can't stop me from feeling.

All right, well. I'm gonna let you go back to it...make sure you get some rest though. You can't keep making antidotes if run yourself ragged.

[ After all, someone has to at least think a little pragmatically about all this stuff.

Either way, he gives Varian a small wave. ]

I'm gonna do another supply run. Try not to die while I'm out.

[He gives a lazy little half-assed salute.]

I'll do my very best. You try not to die while you're out.

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